Steady Your Resolve

Every new beginning is some other beginning’s end. – Some band, I can’t remember which one.

First of all, hope everyone had a happy holiday season. As you can see, I finished 2005 in fine form, having blogged all of once in the month of December. I am very glad that 2005 is done; it was one of the worst overall years in my adult life. Good riddance to you!

I make basically the same resolutions every year: Lose weight. Write more often. Read my Bible more often. Etc. Last year I sputtered along on all of them. I lost 15 or so pounds, only to put them back on again over the holidays. I re-started my already completed book, then decided I didn’t want to re-start, then decided I’d be better off with a different book, and eventually just dropped the whole thing. I’m at a relatively low point in my spiritual life.

As I said, 2005 sucked.

It’s never too late to change, of course, but even as I try to change things, a small voice in the back of my mind wonders why? Why bother trying to change? History tells me that I’m going to fail, at least in the long term. Wouldn’t it just be easier to admit to myself, once and for all, that I’m a lazy, procrastinating underachiever and I’m just never going to be anything different without some huge outside motive force? Am I so full of pride that I can’t see the simple truth?

Yes. And yes. Besides, my pants are beginning to feel tight again. Hate that.

The fact is that I can’t help comparing my 35-year old body to how it used to look. I used to be in fantastic shape; I had the six-pack abs and everything. I sometimes think life would be easier if I had never wrestled in high school, and therefore never been in great shape. Then I wouldn’t know what it was like; I wouldn’t have a basis for comparison. I wouldn’t know that it was possible for me, personally, to achieve a great body. But I’m full of self-deceit. I keep thinking that I could have it all back again, if I really wanted to, even though I’m ten years past my prime age.

And perhaps I could, or could to a decent enough degree. But when it comes down to it, I just don’t want to work that hard. Staying in great shape is painful, especially at the beginning. And it’s really time consuming. I’d much rather be playing video games or reading or playing with the 3-year olds. This is why I keep going on Atkins and other diets; strict eating doesn’t invade your lifestyle. It’s the lazy man’s way to lose weight without exercise. And it works. For awhile. Till you stop doing it.

Anyway, I’m trying once again. It’s been eight days since the first, and I’ve already seen results: I’ve gained three pounds. In my defense, there has been a lot of football on, and football requires pizza. I’ve been eating salads at lunch and unsweetened cereal for breakfast. I just need to work on that healthy dinner. 14 is going to be in high school next year, and he still wants to play football, so I’m going to start working out with him in the basement. We’ll see how long that lasts. I keep meaning to open the Bible in the morning before work, but I always end up watching Sportscenter instead.

The more things change, the less time it takes to return to the status quo.